Finding Our Value

I feel so much better about myself when I feel useful, when I can point to tangible, concrete things in my day and say, “I accomplished that.” Whether its going into work, filling the car with gas, or changing a light bulb, I feel better about myself when I get things done. It’s good to get things done, but without immediate and definite results for my actions I start to feel miserable. I get this sort of “wasted day” feeling, and I feel like I have to go through my day and find the stuff I did to prove that I was somehow productive or useful that day. I’m not really sure who I’m trying to prove it to. Am I trying to prove it to myself, to other people, to God? I don’t want to feel like a useless human being, and I don’t want other people to see me that way, and I want to be able to justify my existence before God and say, “Here’s why I’m a good person. Look at all this stuff I’ve gotten done.” I want to be valuable.

Erin and I are having a hard time with this desire to feel valuable at the moment. We’ve left our jobs, our involvements, and many of the things that gave us value in order to raise support full-time until we get to France. At first leaving everything felt freeing, “won’t it be great to make our own schedules,” we said to each other. But it was amazing how quickly the freedom to make our own schedules became the guilt of not being able to tally up our accomplishments. Where’s our value when we can’t quantify and evaluate what we are doing? It’s a struggle, a daily struggle.

But this is where the Gospel becomes Good News to me. 1 Timothy 1:9 says, 

“God has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time….” 

I want to create my own value, but the Gospel says God gives me value. While I’m trying to defend my value before God, He is trying to show me my value to Him. The value I have is the value He gives, not the value I think I can earn. We are worth the infinite value of His Son, because that is the price He has chosen to pay for us. No matter how useful I feel or how many accomplishments I can tally, the final say on what I’m worth comes from God, and the Gospel says it’s more than I could ever fathom.